


Satellite Heart

by Marvel_Patronus1



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Steve is from the 40s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 08:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17680205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvel_Patronus1/pseuds/Marvel_Patronus1
Summary: Tony doesn't love.Steve can't.Together they learn.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set to the song Satellite Heart by Anya Marina because muse strikes when you're least expecting it.

_So pretty so smart_  
_Such a waste of a young heart!_  
_What a pity, what a sham_  
_What's the matter with you, man?_

Tony doesn’t love.

It’s a curse from a childhood of high expectations and neglect.

He had fascinations, obsessions, something similar to a child with a new toy. They played with it, fell asleep with it, kept it tucked safely in their back pack. Then one day another toy, a toy that’s shiny and new, comes along and their attention shifts, their obsession starts all over and the old toy is forgotten, locked away in a chest with all the rest.

Pepper had gotten out before she had become broken, before she didn’t work quite like she used too. Tony couldn’t even be mad when she had packed all her things one day and left.

“I love you Tony. I’ll always love you, but I’m not the love of your life.” He couldn’t even argue with her, didn’t beg her to stay when she kissed him softly on the cheek or so much as cry when she finally shut the door behind her.

Two weeks later when he found himself staring at Steve in the gym like he was a shiny new toy wrapped up with a bow he knew she was right.

Pepper wasn’t the love of his life. No one was. Tony didn’t love.

The staring at Steve couldn’t be helped.

Once the jar of desperate want had been opened Tony couldn’t manage to put a lid on it. He found his eyes trailing to Steve constantly, studying the line of his jaw, following his arse has his walked, eyes raking down long firm legs, sweeping over his broad shoulders, lingering a little too long on his lips.

Steve’s eyes would dance with light when he read the comics in the paper and sparkle with triumph whenever he understood a reference past his time. In the mornings Steve would sip on his coffee with the rest of his team and speak with a husky voice, still thick with sleep, hair tousled and soft.

Tony found him sitting at the bench that morning, the tower still with sleeping heroes. Steve was an early riser and Tony kept odd hours, enjoying the moments he found Steve alone.

“Tony.” Steve nodded when he entered the kitchen, poured himself a coffee and watched Steve eat a slice of toast, thick with PB&J.

Steve alone was his favourite Steve, a special gift for his eyes only.

“I’m making you a new phone. One you can’t squish to pieces with those giant hands of yours.” Tony said, eyes on those hands wishing desperately they were in his pants right now, grabbing his arse, stroking him hard, biting into his hip as Steve fucked him. His eyes flickered to Steve’s face to find a soft blush dusting his cheeks.

“I’m okay with the phone I have now.” He motioned to the brick flip phone sitting on the table.

“I can’t live with myself if I let you carry that monstrosity around for a moment longer.” Tony snatched up the phone and turned to leave.

“Okay.” Steve choked out behind him, Tony threw him a look over his shoulder, certain that Steve’s eyes had flicked up from his arse, the thought made him take a quick detour in the bathroom before going back to work.

…

“We have a gala coming up.” Tony looked up from his desk, Pepper was staring at him questioningly.

“When don’t we.”

“Have you got a date?” Tony sighed, pushing his paper work aside.

“No.”

“I could set yo-”

“No.” a beat.

“Tony.” Her expression was soft, fond almost. Pepper had always found his defiance endearing. “You should bring someone, get some photos, show the press you haven’t turned into a monk since we broke up.” It was teasing, he knew it was. Pepper had left him six months ago, and for five months and two weeks he had been jerking off thinking of Steve’s perfect arse, or his hard abs, or the way his voice sounded when he said his name.

“I’m good Pep. Just…in between people” he tried to lace his words with suggestion but the look on Pepper’s face told him he had failed.

“ Is there someone you want to ask?”

“No.” he answered too quickly.

“You’re pining.” She accused, moving forward in her seat, forcing him to look at her.

“I’m not.” _Liar_ he thought, and judging by the look on Pepper’s face she was thinking the same thing.

“Who is it?” He thought about telling her, weighed the pros and cons of her knowing and then deciding that she really didn’t need the details, especially when nothing was going to happen anyway. Tony was just waiting this one out, desperate for the next new shiny thing to come along so he could stop getting erections whenever Steve licked a crumb from the corner of his mouth.

“It doesn’t matter okay? It’s nothing anyway.” He tried to get back to his paperwork, after all he did have a company to run. Pepper wasn’t letting up though, she pulled the files from his hands and stood up, leaning over him.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tony.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“Pe – Ow!” he grabbed his arm where she had pinched him. “If I tell you will you leave me alone…I do have a company to run.” Pepper gave him a look that made it very clear who was actually running the company between the two of them.

“I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the working day.” That was an offer too good to pass up.

“It’s Steve.” He expected a gasp, maybe a head shake, even a ‘what the fuck’, but Pepper just gave him a soft knowing smile. “You don’t look surprised.”

“Should I be?”  Tony shrugged in response. Some sort of reaction to Tony’s newfound sexuality would have been appreciated. “Do you know what made me decide to break up with you?”

“Alcoholism, crippling self-centeredness, constant neglect?” he supplied, wishing she would make true on her word and leave him alone. Pepper sighed, her hand reaching across the table to take his own.

“It was because something shifted. It wasn’t you and it wasn’t me but there was something different, you had this new energy that I hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t until they all moved into the tower that I realised what had caused it.”

“Pepper…” he gulped, his gut twisting with a familiar wave of anxiety. She gave his hand a tight squeeze before pulling away.

“I meant what I said that day Tony. I’m not the love of your life, that doesn’t mean no one is.” He watched her go, silently closing the door behind her.

…

He does take Steve to the gala, but he also invites the rest of the avengers so it doesn’t count as a date. Not that it would have been a date anyway because Tony is not going there. Steve is precious and kind and probably not even gay so there’s not point worrying about it.

“You clean up nicely.” Tony said, announcing his presence on the balcony where Steve is tucked away. The air is chill against his champagne flushed skin, he welcomes it.

“Thanks.” Steve shifted as Tony strolled over, leaned his back on the balcony and looked Steve up and down.

“What’s got you down soldier?” he nudged Steve’s shoulder with his own, desperately supressing the urge to bury his head in Steve’s neck and just breathe.

“Nothing, just needed some air.” It’s a lie, Tony doesn’t know how he knows but he does. This isn’t the Steve who he gets all to himself in the mornings, it’s not the Steve who smiles when Tony brings him a new punching bag that ‘100% won’t break, try it, go ahead’ and then laughs when he smashes it to pieces. This Steve is quiet, reserved, his eyes full with answers Tony wishes he knew the questions for.

“I’m registering that. I’ve always hated these. Jarvis used to have to bribe me to go and behave with model rockets and jelly beans.” A smile breaks out across Steve’s face at that.

“Yeah?”

“I was the worst. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly bratty I would purposely spill a drink over my suit or ‘trip’ and fall into the hors d’oeuvres. It worked on my mum a few times, didn’t have the old man fooled though.” He stopped himself there, registering the small twist of pain on Steve’s face that came with the mention of Howard.

Steve hated hearing about him more than Tony, he suspected that it had something to do with him finding out that the Howard who had made him who he is wasn’t the Howard he thought he was.

The disappointment of Stark men to those around them seemed to be a generational thing.

“My ma and I went to a fancy party like this once…well not exactly like this.” Tony met Steve’s eyes, smiling.

“Yeah?”

“Some hospital benefactor night, she took me as her date which was embarrassing at the time, I think she just wanted a chance for me to eat some real food, hoped all the cakes would fatten me up. I had to borrow one of Bucky’s suits and it didn’t fit me at all, I was swimming in it and I had to stuff his shoes with newspapers so they’d fit me properly. It was awful and I couldn’t believe my ma was dragging me to this thing full of boring adults, I had never wished harder for an asthma attack in my life.” Steve smiled with a small shake of his head, “So I’m ready to start wheezing and ma walks into the living room all glammed out. She had this old dress that she had altered and was wearing pearls – not real ones but still. So I thought ‘Roger’s you have to suck this up because your ma deserves a dance’ and I did, suck it up I mean, we tried dancing but it was horrible and I kept tripping over Bucky’s shoes but ma just laughed. “ Steve fell silent, rubbed the back of his neck as he stared off in the distance.

“Sounds like quite a night.”

“It was.” Tony doesn’t realise how desperate he was for Steve to look at him until he does, their eyes meet and Steve looks at him warmly.

“Do you wish you could go back?” The words come out before he can stop them, he regrets it the minute Steve’s eyes look away from his.

“Some days.”

“Only some?” he prods, Steve meets his gaze again.

“Some things make days’ worth staying.” It’s the look Steve gives him when he says it that makes Tony think, just for a moment, he’s one of those things.

…

The fight was not going well.

The building shook around him as another giant cockroach slammed into it, letting out a roar and seriously, since when did cockroaches roar?

“Iron Man have you evacuated the building?” Steve asked over the coms, his question followed by a stiff grunt. Tony scanned the building one more time, his radar coming up empty.

“Aye aye Cap’n”

“Now is not the time.” Steve hissed back to him.

“Send the  bugs my way team, rigging this thing to blow.” He flew around the building, loading it with explosives.

“Bugs are coming” Hawkeye said and Tony made his escape, hovering above the building, watching as four roaches join the one already on the building.

“All clear?” Steve asked and Tony smiled, blasters ready.

“All clear.” He confirmed before sending a detonating blast right at one of the walls. He doesn’t wait around, jetting off as the building explodes behind him.

“Well I don’t know about you guys but I think exterminators has a much be-“

“Iron Man on your right!” Steve screamed across the coms, it was too late though. A headless roach soars towards him, wings twitching, and smacks into him, sending him flying into a building. He tries to gain control of his thrusters but the bug is _climbing_ with Tony, its freaky arm has him trapped as it scrambles around headless.

“Holy Shit.” His screens go blank before a small loading bar appears on the screen, _System Reboot_ it tells him.  

“Jarvis?” There’s silence, and Tony can’t help but groan.

“Hold tight Man of Iron!” Thor thunders over the coms.

“Experiencing a minor reboot here folks. Nothing I can do but hold tight.” He thinks the sarcasm is valid given the fact he’s being spun around by a manic headless bug climbing up a fifty floor building.

“Hulks coming, just…” Steve is obviously searching for something to say that isn’t ‘hold on’ or ‘hang tight’. The spinning and jerking stops, and for one sweet moment Tony feels relief, until he suddenly realises he’s falling 20 floors and is still 30 seconds away from firing up his blasters.

“Fuck.” He manages before he’s smashing into the ground, everything going black.  

…

“Tony?” he hears, blinking away the black spots floating in his vision. Steve leans over him, cowl pulled off as he stares down worried.

“H’llo gorg’s” Steve’s worry slowly starts to ease off his face.

“Are you alright?”

“Never better” he breathes, and really means it. He would fall 20 floors everyday if Steve would get this close to him. Despite the long fight Steve has barely broken a sweat, his eyes are still alive with adrenalin and as the worry dissipates their natural sparkle return, his hair is sticking up at all angles from his cowl, and there’s the smallest smile on his lips. Tony considers passing out again so Steve will give him CPR.

“Come on.” Steve wraps an arm around him and eases him up, Tony curses is useless fucking suit that’s stopping him from feeling Steve against him. “What happened to your suit up there?”

“No idea. Maybe something to do with the bug. Gonna have to get some samples to know for sure.”

“They came from a diner down the road, owner was pretty upset about his failed health rating. I’m serious.” Steve adds when he catches Tony staring at him, astonished. “I can get you out of the debrief if you want?”

“He alive?” Clint calls over from where he’s kicking at one of dead roaches.

“Very. Thanks for caring sweetheart.” Tony shouts back.

“You’re falling from the sky at least once a week. Cap’s the only one that gets his knickers in a knot.” Clint snorts and Tony smirks at Steve who’s blushing a bright red.

“Your heart stop for me Steve?”

“I’m just being a good leader.” He tries and Tony laughs, loud and clear and happy because Steve is still holding him up and when he leans his head onto the mans bicep he doesn’t pull away.

…

He’s elbow deep in roach legs, which is a combination of roach, mechanics and something he can’t quite work out when there’s a knock on the door.

He swivels in his chair to see Steve standing there, hands in pockets, rocking back on his feet.

“Hey” Steve called from the doorway. Tony runs his roach gut and oil coated hand through his hair.

“Hi...” He scowled, trying to fix the mess he had made. Steve smiled at him, small, warm, earnest. Tony reached for a spare rag and scrubbed violently, standing up, feeling his back crack and wondering when he got so old. “What can I do for ya cap?” Steve lingered in the doorway just a moment longer before stepping in.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Tony’s heart literally skips a beat when he meets Steve’s eyes.

“I’m good.”

“You fell pretty far.” Steve stepped closer, his hands fiddled with the hem of his shirt. If Tony didn’t know any better he would say the man was nervous.

“The thing about being covered in a metal suit is it makes you pretty durable.” Steve flicked his eyes from the floor to Tony’s before letting them roam around the room. Silence filled the room, Steve shifted uncomfortable.

“I didn’t mean to bother you…I…I’m glad you’re alright Tony.” And by god Steve’s earnest. Tony thinks for a moment Steve will leave, but he just stays standing there, staring at Tony with a look that makes his blood boil. He takes a step forward, lessening the distance between them.

“Were you worried about me cap?” he teased, taking another step forward. Steve doesn’t make to move towards him, he doesn’t make to leave either.

“I’m always worried about you.”

Tony closed the distance between them by reaching forward and trailing his fingers along Steve’s jaw in a feather-light touch. Steve stared at him intensely, breath stuttering out of his parted lips, leaning forward just the slightest.

“Steve” Tony takes a moment to register that, yes, Steve is still here, and that’s all the incentive he needs to press their lips together. It was a long glorious moment of pure passion, Steve’s mouth parted under his and their tongues danced together. Tony’s hand on Steve’s jaw slid to around his neck, pulling him deeper as heat surged through his body, clenching tightly in his gut, sending shivers in small ripples across his skin. Steve kisses him back, he doesn’t imagine the way his lips dance with his, the small sound of want that comes from the back or Steve’s throat. Finally, _finally_ , Steve’s hands moved to Tony’s waist, he let out an approving moan at the touch, desperate to be pulled tightly against Steve’s warm body.

Then he was careening back, thrown with such force he didn’t have time to catch his footing as he fell, head clanging on the corner of his desk before he crumpled to the floor.

The space between them was thick with tension.

Tony touched his fingers to the back of his head, brought his arm around to stare at the crimson blood on his fingertips.

“I…” Tony stared up at Steve’s twisted face, he watched one shaking twitch, as though Steve was about to reach out to him.

“Wha-”

“Don’t ever do that again.” Then Steve’s gone, so fast Tony doesn’t have time to blink away the tears burning his eyes.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading so far!

_Don't you see it's wrong, can't you get it right?_  
_Out of mind and outta sight_  
_Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys_  
_Put a lid on all that noise!_

 

Steve can’t. 

There’s a smear of oil on his jaw from Tony’s touch, his lips are still stinging from the feel of Tony’s against his.

He closes his eyes, tries to breathe, sees Tony sitting crumpled on the floor, fingers sticky with blood. Blood Steve had put there.

He ends up on his knees, bent over the toilet, heaving into the bowl.

…

Steve first fell in love when he was nine years old, with Tommy Winkle.

He had fallen about a block away from his home, knees and palms scraped and bleeding. He wouldn’t cry, he was tough, but each step home was painful and the red skin around his cuts were already starting to bruise. Tommy lived two doors down from him and when he walked past Steve on his way home from work he crouched down, gave him a big smile and piggy backed him all the way home. Tommy was three years older than him and had two little sisters who ‘cut themselves up like nobody’s business’.

When he dropped Steve at his door he pulled out a butterscotch and turned on his heel with a wink. Steve was smiling so wide his face hurt when he stepped inside, the candy slipped into his pocket.

“Stevie?” His mother called from the kitchen, he walked in forgetting the sting of his hands and knees as his heart swelled in his chest.

“Hey ma.”

“Hi dar- oh! Oh dear what did you do?” Steve shrugged and let his mum sit him on a chair so she could inspect his scrapes and bruises.

“I fell. Tommy Winkle piggy backed me three whole blocks! Do you think I can be as big as him when I’m older?” His ma smiled up at him, slowly dampening a cloth with antiseptic, he tried not to wince at the sting.

“I’m sure you will be, twice as tall more than likely.”

 “When I’m tall I’m going to marry Tommy Winkle.” He said determinedly, his mother’s hand slipped on the antiseptic, the bottle falling to the floor.

“Oh gosh!” he exclaimed, his mother didn’t move.

“You’re going to marry him?” she asked slowly, Steve couldn’t help his large grin growing larger.

“Yup. We’ll be husbands and have a family like you and pa.” his ma took his hands in hers, squeezing them tight enough that his scrapes started to burn.

“Steve you can’t talk like that, it’s not proper do you hear? Boys don’t marry boys and girls don’t marry girls. You don’t ever say anything like that again, not to anyone Steven.” He tried not too flinch at the sharpness of his mother’s words, her fingers pressed deeper into his scrapes and tears pooled in his eyes.

“You’re hurting me.” She let go of him quickly, looking at Steve’s hands and then back at his face.

“I’m sorry darling, go wash up ok?” Steve stood nodding, he dragged his feet to his room, his heart aching as he took the butterscotch and threw it in the trash.

… 

The decision to move back to his S.H.E.I.L.D mandated apartment wasn’t one he meditated over. The first week after the…the moment in the lab he had stayed in his room, only emerging when he was sure no one else was around and Tony was safetly anywhere else but where he wanted to be. JARVIS was more than happy to let him know when Mr. Stark wasn’t around, Steve wondered if the machine knew what he had done. 

It probably had. 

He saw Tony on his eighth day of solitude. He was leaving the gym when he bumped into him in the hall way. He darted his arms out in reflex, one grabbing Tony’s wrist and the other on his hip.

When he looks up into Tony’s surprised eyes he flinches away, not missing the way Tony’s face cracks and then goes entirely empty.

“Hi.” He says, darting his eyes away from Tony’s.

“Captain.” Tony replied. Steve doesn’t move, he tries desperately to just take a step back and then another so he can keep going until he’s as far away from Tony as possible. He can’t though, his feet glued to the ground, still close enough that he can smell Tony, all oil and sweat with an underlying tang of aftershave. 

“How’s your head?”

“Fine.”

“I should…” he goes to move, tries to step as far to the side as possible to avoid brushing up against Tony.

“Steve.” He tries to push down the bile that slides up his throat at how broken Tony sounds, he turns just slightly, enough to see the pain etched all over Tony’s face, and then walks away without looking back.

He was packed thirty minutes later and when he walks past to kitchen where Tony is picking at a sandwich, he keeps his eyes firmly ahead of him, refusing to see if Tony was watching him leave 

…

He’s been back in the apartment three weeks when he asks Sharon out.

She would come over during days he was home and play slow games of scrabble with him, watch Jeopardy, laugh at his bad jokes that he knew were bad because Tony always told him they were, and even brings him a casserole that he can freeze.

When she mentions a new Thai place she’s been dying to try he asks her to go, and when she looks up at him from under her eyelashes any hope that she might have thought just as friends leaves and he tells her he’ll pick her up at 7 o’clock.

He tries to be happy about the date, excited to have a pretty dame on his arm. _If you don’t think about it you won’t want it_ he told himself, trying desperately to push any thoughts of a handsome fella on his arm out of his mind.

The date starts smoothly.

Steve shows up at her door at 7pm sharp with flowers she takes gleefully, giving him a small peck on the cheek with lips that are too soft. They walk to the restaurant with her hand on his arm, her perfume is sickly sweet and Steve is grateful for the fresh air that washes it away before it can linger too long in his nostrils.

The restaurant is small, tucked away behind a back alley next to an organic juice place, but the inside is beautiful. Wooden floors and white walls with intricate paintings hung up, there are carvings and small statues, and the entire room smells of spices Steve had never imagined trying as a young boy.

He stays standing while  Sharon slides into the booth and then slides in across from her, despite her efforts to get him to share her side.

“I’m starved, I’ve been dreaming about the food here since you asked me.” She winks before scanning the menu.

“Yeah, it smells great.” He manages, hating the awkward set to his shoulders that he can’t seem to shake. Despite the room around him he can’t help but feel like everything is wrong. Where Sharon coos at old couples Tony would make up ridiculous stories about scandalous lives full of affairs and murders. She laughs at each joke Steve tells, even the ones he doesn’t find funny himself. 

“Should we get more wine?” She asks after they finish the first bottle, her cheeks are flushed pink and Steve wonders if it even matters. There’s not enough wine in this place to get him drunk, and even if there was he wasn’t getting into bed with her. He scolded himself at the thought. 

“I’m good with water.” 

“oh hey isn’t that – Tony!” Steve knows what it’s like to be frozen while time moves around you, he’s never experienced the opposite. Everything slows down around him, Sharon’s hand waving over his shoulder, the couple next to him laughing, a woman knocking over her glass. He turns in his seat and feels the all too familiar feeling of bile rising in his throat. Tony stands two tables away with Pepper, he looks gorgeous. Dressed in dark denim jeans that hug his legs and a button up that’s maybe just a little too tight. His hair is wild despite the evident attempts to tame it. 

He finally lets his eyes settle on Tony’s face and immediately regrets the decision, there is no shock, embarrassment, or even hatred in them, Tony is smiling back at them with a face Steve sees plastered all over the media. A face that doesn’t belong to Steve’s Tony, _he’s not your Tony_ a cruel voice supplies. Steve doesn’t notice when time speeds up, but suddenly Tony and Pepper are standing right there at their table and Sharon is insisting they join them for a drink.

“You don’t mind do you Stevie?” She asks, not noticing his wince at the nickname.

“Of course not.” He supplies, gesturing weekly to the spaces next to them. Tony slides in next to him and at first, he’s thankful that he doesn’t have to look straight at him every time he lifts his head from the table.  Tony sits a safe distance away, enough room that not a single part of him is touching Steve.

“How’s life at headquarters?” Pepper asks and Sharon gushes into a tale about Coulson, Hill, Sitwell, a four-night stake out and two bottles of tequila. Tony laughs at the right moment, nods along, and even throws in a few Tonyesque quips. 

Steve can’t find the strength to speak, he’s too focused on how close Tony is, he can smell his after shave if he breathes deep enough, feel the air shift when Tony moves his arm or shakes his leg under the table. Steve feels as though the air between them is crackling with electricity, he’s desperate to reach out and put a hand on his knee, to hook his foot around Tony’s ankle, to just touch him. 

“Ihavetogotothebathroom” he spurts out, jumping up so fast the table shakes.

“Are you ok?” Sharon asks, clearly taken aback from his outburst. Pepper smiles but her eyes ask him questions he doesn’t want to answer.

“yeah great just, yeah um…excuse me.” He nods at Tony, grateful when he slides out of the booth so he can make a quick escape.

The thing about being a superhero is you know pretty quickly where the quickest and most discreet exits are from a building. Steve bypasses the bathroom altogether and heads straight for the staff exit. He spots two cooks smoking by the back alley wall, they don’t stop talking to look at him so he leans against the wall and just tries to breathe. 

His skin feels like it’s on fire with Tony being so close, his dick is half hard in his pants, and he can feel the heat of a blush on his face. No matter how hard he tried nothing would make him feel that way Tony did, he knew that. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to fix himself. 

“Mind if I join you?” Tony is standing in the exit, walking towards him, three steps away, again so close but so far.

“Please.” _Mind if I rip your clothes off and fuck you here?_ He wonders, _control yourself Rogers_.

“So Sharon.”

“Yeah.”

“That new?”

“It’s not what you think it is.” Tony hums, hands in his pockets. His face still guarded, Steve wishes he could cup his chin and pull him close.

“You don’t owe me any explanations.” Steve knows he’s wrong, Tony is the one person he owes everything too. Tony who gave him a home, Tony who made him ridiculous punching bags that flew and spined and flipped through the room. Tony who made his heart warm after so many years in ice.

“I’m sorry. I never told you I was sorry after…after I…” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. Tony just shrugged, seemingly indifferent. Steve wanted so desperately to see under the mask he was wearing so well. 

“No need. I just…God Steve.” Tony’s voice cracks on his name, it sends a burning ache through his chest. “I just wish it never happened, it was stupid. I wish I could take it back and wake up and you’d be in the kitchen reading Garfield and…” 

“Tony” Steve goes to touch him, he really does, his hand reaches out to grab the belt loops of his jeans and pull him close.

“No it’s, like I said I don’t need any explanation from you.” Tony takes a step back, and then another. “Enjoy the rest of your night Steve. Stop by sometime.”  

…

Steve doesn’t see Sharon again, she tells him to call her and when he doesn’t she stops coming over for scrabble and jeopardy and Steve finds himself alone.

He doesn’t stop by the tower, too stupidly afraid to see Tony, to know the pain he’s caused. Tony might be able to hide his wounds well in a crowded restaurant but not in his home, where his lab hours are a key insight to the workings of Tony Stark.

Natasha’s weekly calls become more frequent, even though Steve still lets them ring out, ignoring the messages she leaves, terrified she’ll know what he did and demand his own blood in return.

Once she tries to corner him at S.H.E.I.L.D with a fierce determination on her face, luckily Fury needs him to sign some paperwork and Steve has never been so happy to be locked in a room with a flickering light and creaky chair.

Thor comes over once and Steve lets him in because he genuinely seems to think Steve’s body has been taken over by some alien race and insists on monitoring him for 24hrs. He enjoys it a lot more than he should, Thor is loud and friendly and doesn’t ask the wrong questions.

“We miss your presence at the tower Steve, our brothers and sisters in arms will be glad to know you are still you.” Thor tells him, warm hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks.” Steve manages, returning the shoulder hold before Thor is swinging his hammer and flying through the air.   

Life falls into a rhythm of lonely meals and empty nights spent in the gym, running until the treadmill breaks from his speed, lifting weights until the floor is dented from him dropping them on the floor, and breaking boxing bags until the gym floor is more sand than wood.

Even after hours in the gym there are nights where he lays in his small bed, an anxious hum keeping his awake. If he does fall asleep nightmares grip him, he’s falling into the ice, drowning as cold water pierces his lungs.

Other nights he closes his eyes and thinks of Tony. Pictures his smile, the way his eyes crinkle when Steve tells a bad joke, the delectable sight of Tony when he comes up from the lab too early for anyone else to be awake, his hair crazy and eyes alive with a fire that makes Steve’s heart stop.  He feels their lips moving together and lets his hand drift to his hard cock before snapping back into reality.

On these nights, with sleep nowhere in sight and temptation too close for comfort he heads out in the crisp air, runs to the tower and stares up at the windows, wondering if Tony is staring back down at him. 

…

Pepper knocks on his door on a Tuesday. He’s surprised at first, expecting Mrs. Lahey from down the hall needing help with her groceries again.

“Hi.” He tries, nervous at the sight of her. _She’s here to kill me, Tony told her what happened and she’s going to use those sharp nails to scratch my face off_. 

“Steve.” Pepper nods. She makes no move to continue the conversation, just stands at the door with her arms folded, staring at him blankly. 

“Do you want to come in.”

“I think that would be best.” Steve regrets the decision, picturing all the things in his house she can use to maim him. Pepper comes in and heads straight to the small table in the kitchen, sitting on a rusted fold out chair, placing her bag on the floor next to her.

“Can I get you a tea? Coffee?” He offers, desperately afraid to go anywhere near her. 

“A water would be lovely Steve, thank you.” He’s pretty sure people don’t use their manners when they’re about to kill you, but Pepper was an exception to most rules he supposed.

“The weather’s finally shaping up.” he tries, filling a glass with shaking hands.

“We both know I’m not here to talk about the weather Steve.” Pepper watches him as he places the glass in front of her and slowly takes the seat across from her 

“You know.” He states, deflated, shoulders sinking.

“I have my suspicions.”

“Tony didn’t tell you?” Pepper shakes her head, leans back in her seat and stares Steve down. Steve admires her confidence, it reminds him of Peggy, two women not afraid to make themselves comfortable and do whatever the fuck they wanted.

“Steve I’m not here to dance around truths or find out who hurt who. Frankly I think you’re both idiots.” She takes a long sip of her water. “ I’m going to tell you something and then I’m going to leave. You can do what you want with the information, I won’t come back here though. Not again.” Steve nodes in understanding.

“Okay.” 

“I don’t think there’s something wrong with you.”

“What?” Pepper reached out, took both of his hands in hers and held them tight.

“You’re not sick, Steve, there’s no evil spirits inside you controlling your actions, you’re not broken or damaged, you’re not an embarrassment. I know that waking up from the ice mustn’t have been easy, you were alone and lost in a way no one had ever experienced, but when you woke from that ice you woke up in the future. You got to see the hard work that came from the war you helped win, experience the magic of modern medicine. You woke up in a time where you can love, Steve, where there’s a stronger voice for people who spent so long suffering, hiding, hating themselves, turning away love because it was wrong.” Pepper gave his hands a tighter squeeze. “Don’t let this second chance go because you were told by so many people there was something wrong with you. The serum Steve, the serum healed every one of your illnesses, so if you’re feelings are still there than surely, _surely_ that must mean something.” Steve felt hot tears slide down his face, Pepper’s hand came up and lightly brushed one away.

“I…” the words wouldn’t come, the anxiety in his chest rose into his throat, choking him up, his mouth going dry. 

“You have every right to love Steve, and you deserve to be loved.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading this little fic, I had fun writing it.

_I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark_  
_I'm spun out so far you stop, I start_  
_But I'll be true to you_

 

True to her word Pepper doesn’t come back.

She leaves Steve in his apartment where her words echo around him, bouncing off surfaces and ringing in his mind deep into the night. He runs to the rhythm of them, sleeps to their insistent clanging.

 _You have every right to love_.

_It’s not proper, do you hear?_

Once he picks up the phone Tony gave him, dials his number and listens to the pattern of rings and silences, certain no one will be pick up.  

“Hello?” Tony’s voice comes over the line, surprised. Steve panics and hangs up before words come out of his mouth.

It becomes a bit of a pattern after that, Steve will let his fingers dial Tony’s number, count the rings – it normally takes seven for Tony to answer, long enough for him to hear his phone and stop whatever he’s doing to pick it up – he hears Tony’s voice across the line and then hangs up in panic, heart beating fast at the amused tone that answers.

 _You deserve to be loved._  

He thinks he might believe her.

…

Tony isn’t one to frequent the halls of S.H.E.L.D, but Thor had wanted to see Jane and Tony wanted to see Jane because aside from Bruce she was his favourite person to talk science with, so he agreed to drive them both there. 

Thor insisted he could fly, but ever since the incident with the needle on the Empire State Building, the team – minus Steve – had made a semi-collective decision that flying was for battles only.  

If Tony’s being honest, which he rarely is, Jane isn’t the only reason he agrees to take Thor. When they get to S.H.E.I.L.D Thor and Jane run off to her lab to reunite and any ruse of science talk that Tony had been holding onto is gone. He wanders down the halls, coming to a stop outside the gym where he can hear the all too familiar sound of Steve’s grunts. Tony pushes the door open just a little, peaking through the crack, watching the muscles ripple through Steve’s body as he slams his unprotected fists into a punching bag. With a heavy grunt the bag snaps off of its chain and flies into the wall, splitting open.

“What did that bag ever do to you?” he asks, pushing the door wider. Steve doesn’t tense at his words, but he does straighten and turn around a little too fast, his footing messy. 

“Ah…hey” he manages, Tony flicks him the smallest of smiles.

“The bags here look shit.” He kicks at a small pile of sand near his feet, wondering how many of these Steve had broken.

“They are, cleaners are pretty annoyed I keep breaking them. I’ve started cleaning up the messes myself but still…” Steve trails off, giving his shoulder a small shrug. There is a lot of space between them, Tony feels every inch of it, desperate to close the gap just a bit but unwilling to trust himself to do so. “What are you doing here?”

“Thor wanted to see Jane, I said I’d drive him.”

“That was…admirable?” Tony chuckles, he steps further into the room so he can lean against the wall, Steve shifts just a little, his shirt is so tight it could be painted on, could no one in this building get the man clothes that fit him? 

“Nah not really. We had to tell him he wasn’t allowed to fly around anymore after he knocked the needle off the Empire State Building.” 

“We?”

“The team.”

“Ah.” Steve’s eyes drop to the floor, Tony feels guilt clench in his stomach _he’s the one that left_ he tries to remind himself.

“It was a bit of a mess without our fearless leader there. Turns out we don’t make a great democracy. Clint kept telling Thor he’d vote to keep the flying around if he gave him free lifts around the city, then Darcy decided she deserved a say and got on board that band wagon and suddenly it was the three of them against me Nat and Bruce. We argued for hours before finally deciding to flip a coin for it. 

“You flipped a coin?” Steve laughed, Tony loves the sound, his heart dances to it. 

“Felt a bit bad for the guy when we won, almost decided to do a best of three thing, But Nat took the coin before anyone had a chance to mess it up.” Steve’s still got a wide grin on his face, shaking his head at Tony like he’s something else entirely.  Tony’s not sure if Steve means to step closer to him but he does, the air comes alive with electricity. “Why do you keep calling me?” 

“What?” Steve pales.

“You keep calling me and hanging up.” Tony witnesses first hand Steve turn a colour of red he had never seen, his cheeks fill and then burn right down to his neck, deep below the collar of his shirt. Tony desperately wants to know how far down that blush goes.

“You…you ne-knew it was me?” he chokes out, Tony tries to push down his smirk.

“Caller ID Cap, we’ve gone through this one before.” He can see the embarrassment on Steve’s face turn to realisation, and then switch back to embarrassment.

“Why’d you keep answering?” Tony shrugs, lets himself push off the wall and move forward. 

“I almost didn’t the first time, I was a little surprised, nearly burnt my eye brow off. Then I just…I don’t know I guess I thought if I kept answering you’d eventually say something.” 

“I wanted too, to say something.” Steve makes the distance between them just that little bit smaller, Tony can smell him now, sweat and deodorant and something that’s just inherently Steve.

“Why didn’t you?” Tony knows he shouldn’t have half and erection right now, that it’s really not the time or the place, but Steve smells so much like home, and he’s looking at Tony for the first time in over a month with just the smallest amount of light in his eyes, lines on his face smoothed out. 

“I...I didn't know where to start .” Steve’s hand twitches at his side, Tony wants to reach out and feel it on his face, he can’t though, won’t, terrified to push the boundaries between them again. 

“You can tell me anything Steve.” Tony let’s Steve step closer again, peering down at him with unasked questions.

“Pepper came to see me.” That was not what he was expecting, Steve’s eyes flick across his face and he’s sure the surprise is clear. “She, well she said somethings that I needed to hear, things about…me and my _attractions._ ” Steve swallows uncomfortably around the word, Tony leans in just the slightest, hear radiates off of Steve’s skin. 

“I didn’t ask her too…”

“I know” it’s filled with more certainty than anything Steve has said  “Tony I…where I’m from, _when_ I’m from is so different, people courted one another in public, you never went into a dames apartment after a date, and men didn’t…didn’t date other men, it wasn’t proper. There were moments, during the war, but they weren’t anything just…a way to let off steam, and you were kidding yourself if you thought it was going to come up again after.” Steve’s face is serious, his eyes desperate as they stare right into Tony’s. “It’s not an excuse, not for what I did, for how I h-hurt you. I’ll never forgive myself for that, for just leaving you there on the floor when you looked so…I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you looked at me in that moment.”

“Ste-” Tony’s cut off by two phones beeping, because of fucking course evil takes six weeks off and then decides to come back the exact moment he’s pretty sure Steve Rogers is confessing his love for him.

“Suit up.” Steve tells him, straightening up, no longer Steve but in full Captain America mode. He walks past Tony, heading for the door. “I…I want to finish this.” Steve says from the door, letting his guard down long enough to give Tony a soft smile.

… 

Despite his absence, he and the team still fought in a beautiful dance of crumbling buildings and exploding fire hydrants. Natasha - who was looking like she wanted to kill him more than the twenty robots buzzing around them, dropping bombs full of sticky glue and hardening foam – leaps off of one of the bots, it’s head in her hands, and flips next to Steve.

“Any idea how many are left?” He asks, watching as they increase rather than decrease in size.

“No idea.” She supplies before catapulting the head she’s holding at a bot flying towards them 

“Ah fuck.” Tony mutters over the coms. 

“Language.” Steve scalds, earning him a snort, two laughs, and a raised eyebrow from Nat. 

“Dad’s getting grumpy.” Clint jokes and Steve sighs, throwing himself into tearing apart as many bots as he can.  Hulk roars through the city, swatting the bots away like they’re flies.

“I found the source team. Going in.” 

“Iron Man wait for back up.” Steve grunts, looking up to see if he can spot Tony in the sky.

“Already here Cap, I got this one.”

“Tony.” Steve slips, it’s like he can feel his entire team staring at him.

“No names over coms” Tony scalds, teasingly. Steve is still focused on trying to find him, he leaps over crushed cars and giant pot holes. 

“Honestly the guy disappears for six weeks and then comes back and tries to change the rules.” Clint throws in, Steve hears an arrow whistle past his ear.

“I told you the tales of body snatchers!” Thor thunders before literally summoning a loud crack followed by a strike of lightening. Steve isn’t blind to the fact that Tony has gone quiet. 

“Iron Man are you there? What’s your location?”

“Honestly Cap you’re acting like I’ve never blown something up before. I’m just rigging his system, shame it has to explode it’s magnificent.” Steve looks up to see a bomb dropping towards him, he hides under his shield, firm as it explodes. When he tries to stand he finds himself stuck, a dome of hard foam surrounding him. He tries to push with his shield against it, using all his force. The foam doesn’t budge, it grows thicker, the small space he has getting smaller. Steve tries not to think of the ice, slowly freezing around him until he’s too still to move, too still to breathe. 

“Fellas I might need a hand here.” He says over the coms, listening to a static crackle in response. “Avengers.” He tries again, trying to keep the worry out of his voice. Fear and anxiety swirl through his veins, he brings his fist back and punches the foam. Nothing. There’s not enough room for him to throw his shield, the air around him feels precious, he tries to slow his breathing so he doesn’t use it all.

There’s radio silence across his coms, he distantly hears the sound of something blowing up. 

“Hey!” he tries, loud but ultimately useless as he screams into an empty void, the foam silencing him. _Breathe_ he reminds himself, his hands shake. _You’re not in the ice, someone will come. They’ll find you, heck they probably saw it happen._ He takes another steadying breath, wondering if Tony managed to blow up the source of the bots without injuring himself, time seems to pass too slowly. Steve tries to count to thirty, feeling like an hour has passed when it’s been less that fifteen seconds. He takes off his cowl, runs his hands through his hair, crouched low to the floor, still feeling the roof of his foam cage on his head. Steve reaches his arm out, his fingers, which had before only just been able to brush the wall now pressed against it. Dread twists in his gut, we was going to be crushed to death by foam, slowly feeling it squeeze the life out of him.

“Fuck.” He said, just before a large crack formed where his hand was.

“Language.” Tony’s voice came over the coms.

“Tony? Can you hear me?”

“Aye Aye cap’n, put the shield up, I’m going to blast it.” 

“Roger that.”

“Funny.” Tony replies before throwing his full force into the blasters. The foam around him shakes and slowly begins to crack away. Steve reaches out again to punch it, breaking through. The sun burning on his face as he takes deep breaths of air. The team all stand around him, worry and relief mixing on their face.

“Did you seriously say fuck?” Clint asks and Steve blushes, taking in another relieved breath.

“I hope it’s recorded.” Nat adds, grinning wickedly, she reaches out a hand and helps him up, dusting his shoulders. The touch is familiar, comforting, god he had missed this, missed them. 

“You guys took your time.” He said, going for casually but not missing the small edge of desperation that coated his words.

“Had a few false starts.” Tony waves behind him, Steve turns to see twelve smashed foam prisons.

“Hulk save puppy!” the big green man said, standing tall with a tiny dog in his palm, the animal seemed barley phased as Hulk made cooing noises at it. 

“Yeah big guy you saved him.” Tony patted his leg. 

“Hulk keep puppy, puppy is Hulks.” The team collectively sighs, Steve wonders how long they had been debating with Hulk about the puppy before they found his pod. By the resigned looks on everyone’s face he was guessing a while.   

“Hulk keep puppy.” Tony affirmed, hulk gave a whooping jump. The dog in his hand stirred, looked around, then settled back to sleep. 

Natasha was staring at the puppy, she looked almost smitten. “Bruce is going to regret this when he comes back.”

“Shawarma?” Tony asks, “I’m starving.” 

“Shawarma.” Steve agrees. 

… 

They run into each other in the kitchen. After they’ve stuffed themselves with shawarma Steve follows them home, trying not to make it obvious how desperate he is to be crawl on the couch between Nat and Tony while they watch a movie with references he won’t get until Tony whispers the answer in his ear. 

Steve’s towelling off form a shower, drying his hair and desperate for a pop tart because after all his metabolism was super human. Tony seemed to have the same idea, he was standing at the toaster in track pants and a hoodie, tapping his fingers on the bench as he stared at the toaster.

“You’re sorely mistaken if you think I’m going to let you start eating my pop tarts again.” Tony says, eyes flicking up to him. Steve laughs, throws his towel over his shoulder. 

“I thought they were Thor’s pop tarts?”

“I do the shopping.” 

“You pay someone to do the shopping.”

“Same thing.” The toaster pops out two strawberry pop tarts. “Besides, these are all that’s left and seeing as I saved the day _and_ saved your life I’d say I deserve them.” Steve walks further in, leans on the counter next to Tony and eyes the two pop tarts.

“Does my near-death experience not mean anything to you?” He tries for flirty, not sure if it translates because Tony just smirks at him. 

“Emphasis on the _near_ , which again you can thank me for.” Tony grabs a pop tart and takes a bit, smiling up at Steve through his teeth. “Strawberry’s not even my favourite flavour.” Steve knows there’s still post fight adrenalin coursing through his veins, there’s also pure relief at not be encapsulated in foam. 

He doesn’t blame either for what he does next. 

Tony has a small smudge of icing on his bottom lip, Steve lets his hand rise between them, reaches out rubs his thumb against it, brings it up to his lips and licks it off.   

“It’s definitely mine.” Steve says appreciatively, licking his lips, enjoying the way Tony’s wide eyes flicker to the movement.

“ah…” Tony starts, Steve steps closer, their toes touch.

“About before…the talk we were having.”

“Yes.”

“Tony, that day in the lab when you kissed me. I’ve never wanted to be kissed by anyone more than I did in that moment.” Steve notices the tension in Tony’s body evaporate, he leans further in, Steve can feel Tony’s head on every inch of his body, his dick hardens in his pants. “You said you wished it had never happened and I respect that, I get it I reacted…well badly is an understatement but badly. I understand if you don’t want whatever this is, but I’ve had time to think. A lot of time actually, it’s been pretty miserable, but I know that if now, in this time I can love someone, anyone, you’re the only person I’d want to give that love to.” Steve reaches out again, lets his hand brush over Tony’s cheek, trail down his jaw, he hooks it under this chin and tips it towards him.

“Okay” Tony breathes, so Steve leans in and kisses him. It’s soft, just a brush of his lips that fills his body with a warmth that had been missing from his life the last month and a half. Tony shifts and then his hand is coming up between them, fisting in Steve’s shirt, pulling him close. Steve feels Tony’s tongue dart out and opens his mouth, breathing him in, one hand still on Tony’s face, the other arm snakes around his waist. Steve’s not sure if there’s so much as a breath between them, but he still tries to pull Tony closer. It’s not enough, especially not when he shifts his hip and feels Tony’s cock pressing against his hip. He gives a slow push against him and smiles when Tony’s lips break the kiss to let out a gasp.

Tony flips them around, capturing Steve between him and the kitchen bench, scrambling closer. Gently Steve bites on Tony’s bottom lip before sucking it into another long kiss. His entire body shakes with a want he never thought he could fill. Tony fits against him in all the right ways, he’s warm and soft, firm in his touches, gentle in his kisses. When Steve lets a hand wander from Tony’s waist to his arse Tony chuckles into his mouth and Steve pulls him close, turning that chuckle into a moan. 

“Can you guys fuck somewhere else maybe?” Clint says from the door. Steve doesn’t jump away, he stays firm with Tony pressed against him and looks up at Clint standing in the doorway.

“Pretty sure Tony can fuck wherever he wants in his house.” He says and swears he feels Tony’s cock twitch against his hip.

“Jesus Christ.” Clint gapes, looking from Steve to Tony. “You’ve broken him, you’ve completely rebooted the Captain America hard drive.” Tony doesn’t get a chance to reply, Natasha suddenly has one arm around Clint’s neck, holding him in a tight headlock.

“Shit Nat” he chokes out. Natasha keeps him firmly tucked to her.

“You still owe me a conversation.” She tells Steve before dragging Clint away “we told you not to go in the kitchen.”

Steve can’t help the laugh that bubbles through his lips, leaning his forehead against Tony’s when he feels the man’s chest shake in response. 

“I think I love you too.” Tony says once their laughter has died down, their faces so close his lips brush Steve’s when he says it. Steve kisses him in response, deep and slow.

“There’s still so much I want to tell you.” 

“We’ve got time.” And it’s a promise Steve knows won’t be broken. 

Maybe they’re not the two best people to love, both broken and frightened and uncertain, living with a future filled with science experiments gone wrong and crazy alien Gods. They hold each other tighter, feeling their hearts beat in their chests, breathing in one another’s scents, pressing their lips together.

Maybe they’re not the two best people to love, but together they’ll learn.


End file.
